And words can seem so empty
and the world can continue its journey
but at this moment
it s all i have
it s nothing
it s everything
and all i have to share
it s me
it s me
and it s all for you
now
in time
it s now
where i am
where i am is where i will be
and you will be too

Life can get so weird..I guess that's why it s called life. Every experience brings something that deepens one further in a subtle way. It brings out that love you have for creation deep down under just a little bit, along with it polishes you, like a piece of coal down in the pressure filled underground, with each day as it just inches towards becoming a diamond for eternity. And there are catalysts to do speed up the process, like the kriya and meditation....and all the carbon has an equal probablility of being the diamond, with God's grace it might get picked. But the carbon or coal trapped there is as important as the diamond... Each of them plays its own role...But why are they there, those potenial diamonds, those half done diamonds, the coal....Underneath, they re all equal....they re the same...It doesnt matter, the only thing they can do is do the role they are present for.. But I wish to know. ...why am i here? I wish to see, hear, touch, feel, taste...be....the divine..and understand this world, its events.....the pain , pleasure..the cycle...why should i do my role... it just happens.....The divine!

watch...be..

fels weird to be writing ...words seem so empty and inadequate...until i find some other channel of comunication like music, all of which only convey the surface of any feeling....anger, negativity, jealousy...all that seem to be just the surface....they seem like those dry leaves raked up by the wind that are blown away unless you get entangled in them ...

but those feelings that come when i watch the world..and things that keep happening... so called good things and so caled bad things, things that get me stressed...they seem to just pass me by...like a dream....there are precious few moments when i feel truly awake..like in satsangs...

it seems like sand that keeps tricking away...and you turn the hourglass around and they trickle some more...strange...i wonder what this is all about and why,,,

and then i d rather just go and do some seva(atleast that's my intention, howmuchever it translates into action, it s never enough) and get on with life...

sometimes i just wanna let go and sing and dance or just let go and do something...like i see the joy in miley cyrus s free, strong, spirited, 100% performance and let myself dive deep into music like that....

hmmm....

another poem

And then there were none
those masterly figures
with their timeless faces,one
with the ageless as life lingers

Thunder and lightning
nature's fury unleashed
men in strife fighting
in ignorance their bows creased

Lost in the worlds
as the masterly men breathe
their divinity unfolds
revealed in its glory unsheathed

The creator claims them all
to himself the source
the plaything the earth, the illusion-filled ball
as it runs its course

Towards the eternity-flowing
only,one ambivalent multifold
the farmer musingly does his ploughing
the dice case by fate and free-will rolled

on towards the gods of holy mirth
reveling in their creation
the royal pawns miscalculate their worth
the masterly ones-equanimity in their elation

What More can I Say

We don't know where we're going
We don't know where we ve been
We can't feel the wind that's blowing
but only feel the unseen


Deep inside the channels of our
heart, they say the divine dwells
forever since the divine hour
even before, and even after the death knells

for they say life journeys on forever
into the eternity-shifting
through the veil beyond time,like the river
ever the same, yet, tranforming, ever drifting

on towards the mighty ocean and the deep sea
I wonder how it came to be
Who am i? To thee?
Oh! I am you, you are me,

ageless boughs of the holy tree

Iwish I could see...

The simplest thing is often the best...

Sometimes it s just hard...But it s like this...and all this knowledge just makes me know more and more that this is how it is, it is hard....and i know i can get out of it if i know it....so it s discomfort and later pleasure this way.

It s either short time pain, long term pleasure

or short time pleasure and long term gain

The smart thing to do is to pick the first option

But the smartest thing to do is to go along, both ways, equally calmly and take it as it comes. Equanimously, like Krishna says in the Gita....

The present moment is inevitable and opposite values are complimentary...In fact all the sutras apply here....

AHH it s often the obivous that goes missed..

And I m sure the answer to everythng is so obivous that we miss it, unless we re that highly aware...which can come only through meditation...

Nowadays I seem to have nothing to want to write about. It has been two years and 2 months and 69 days since my kriya and i seem to be growing more and more still inside day by day, more and more a witness to my own life. Whatever I do, looking back there seems to be this silence and stillness deep inside that seems to be watching, waiting for nothing...simply watching..

Almost like a film, so many different thoughts and emotions, things that keep changing, and I m just there watching..like nothing affects me.. like nothing matters...absolutely nothing...
Sometimes i feels I ve been there stopping for death and coming back....going on and on..to no end though I don't remember where I went or what I did then/

And sometimes I wish there was a God up above who came down to Earth or visited or talked and told me why I am here, why he made this world, what is my role and why do I have to be born or die? Jus why do I have to be born, go to school, go to college, get a job,.....and so on...THat is my Dharma, so ok it can be done...But why?

Silence....So many words, so many people can say so many things, but unless I experience why, the question remains with me...Mainly because I m not interested...when I look forward or look back...I just am...right now...that's all...doing what my heart tells me to as much as I can..There;s nothing else to do... Just Seva , Sadhana and Satsang as much as I can...though it may take time to realize it s full potential..

sometimes there are things that happen beyond your comprehension...so many things to change, to do, to watch, to learn....where does it end? rather where is peace among all this chaos? why do certain things keep happening over and over again...? Whr are there so many assumptions? What if everyone just gave up living and doing what they did- eat and exist....jus work to eat...or was that how the world was built..in search of food..and better comfort..? when man disovered the so many things he can do in this world...and got curious for more...everything was meant to be then....nothing was in his control...nothing is and nothing will be... is enlightenment a chance too then? is there nothing such as choice? cause we do everything out of an impule...from the heart or mind...those two voices..

This body that goes through it s experiences of pleasure and pain...judges..hopes...craves...gives...takes...wants...feels...so many things...

why?

who?

is this question real?

is it a quagmire?

no it s just trust... trust and there is peace and calm... that life just goes on and no matter what..we embrace and live it.just the way we want to..without hurting or destroying..living and letting live...

Whenever i listen to stories of people sharing love, it moves me to tears.. And as Eckhart Tolle tells us that when we are aware of ourselves, reside in our being (by being aware of the body throughout the day- in whatever we are doing and feel the body through breath when thoughts come up; observing the feelings that arise and accepting them along with what IS now which is the only reality) and learn to handle the egoic mind with the power of now, love wells up in us for every being as we are all made up of the same energy that sustains the universe. True Love happens when the intensity of this universal love varies for a certain person who reflects this love of yours back.

And this love sustains only when we learn to get rid of the egoic mind which almost everyone runs their lives with (Read the power of now by Eckhar Tolle to know more. It is one of the only very few books which is making me implement what it lives for.... )

Dear god...

my twittering heart, my longing sigh
i wonder if i should just let it pass me by
it has struck me over and again
will this too prove to be in vain?

long hours of contemplation even
as as the hours pass by nineteen to the dozen
those thoughts keep flitting across
wonderin what is to come; why was it what it was?

that day shoulnt have happened
it's left my spirits dampened
in the anticipation of what is to come
in trying to find the fulcrum

that's it i m going down; on my knees
to surrender; please oh please
dear god, make this wish come true
i forever live in your thoughts; waiting for the right cue...

for you come and take me
in your arms, forever to be
yours and only yours, in your paradise
beholding infinity through these very eyes

I was shown a video recently...of a very senior AOL teacher,who shared something really profound. It was about training the mind.
He said the following three things

• We must always take a comitment to be happy.. Nothing muct be able to shake our happiness i.e we must never let our mind be unhappy. For that we must be in the NOW...Always in the NOW...This moment
  
• But how? is the next question. He puts it very simply. First, we must learn to accept whatever it is that is making us unhappy...This is how it is, so what!!
• And then comes the most important part..Taking action by asking HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF USEFUL NOW! THIS MOMENT WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE?WHAT CAN I DO TO CONTRIBUTE
  

Of course, it will take time...Initially we just have to do this whenever we remember that we are unhappy and that we have to d something about it...And after a while, it becomes our second nature...


Lately..I also read something really beautiful: There is always a new hope...that something good might happen..We just have to keep ourselves open to surprises and also do what we really want to that we think will make a difference...

Paulo Coeho had written in his book , 'Like a flowing river' that each one of us contains the whole universe an the power to make a difference here within ourselves..We just have to know that...


And that gives me an instant sense of calm and peace...

Especially during meditation when those three amazing lines that Guruji has said comes into my mind:

I am nothing...I want nothing...I do nothing...That is where the peace lies, and the bliss and a glimpse of that infinity..Just a glimpse...Then I wonder how living in that bliss feels like...

What does matter in life?? Why are we here??... I wonder and I wonder...People, events, things seem to pass me by...like the flickering flames in a candle...Where is that flame coming from? And how can I feel the warmth in myself...Touch it, get lost in it and it burns...Stay away from it, watch it and there is the beauty...How do I become that warmth?? I wonder...

firecrackers again...

There were firecrackers again...Last night and that's when I felt that everybody in the world is looking for love..and trust and care...That through this we were all connected..I felt like a sales girls giving pamphlets at the beach (where there was a fire work display at the closing ceremony of the Chennai Sangamam which lent a whole different feel to the beach), but it just suddenly hit me, that I was doing something sacred giving people something they all deserve because they were born- a guru...This was one of the ways their guru- the unconditional love they were looking for was calling for them and that is the best gift anyone could give anyone else- to be an instrument for their Guru to find them.. an answer to their qustions, to thieir sorrows, their joy, their love, their life...

I figured out that that was what I was looking for too....but I always had it. I just needed to realize that... and slowly, I am.

Then, there is the Gita, I am reading the seventh Chapter now, and it is making it s presence felt in my life...Just a few pages a day..I have no idea in what way, but it lends a certain sacredness to everything, pulls you forward, makes you move on..

And then, I just want to break free, from anger, from inhibition, from the 'cant' attitude, from I can't live without, from frustration, from sorrow, from embarrassment.....And I just want to be one, with everything around me, after all, underneath, we all look for the same things...And we are one...however we may behave or seem to be...and a part of everything and everyone..

dawn again

A new year !!! :) and my advanced course at the ashram was amazing. There s no better way to spend the New Year than in silence even though that might be slightly hard. And I m glad I did it. Silence at the right time, gives one strength and a chance to dive deep inside and get to know oneself, a little better.There s whole world in there that needs time to grow the right way.

My resolution: To keep myself focused in the moment and embrace it
and to wake up early ( unsuccesful, so far) but i havent given up..it s my war with the bed and I mean to win it...

I m currently reading 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch (if that's the spelling) and it s wowed me :) right from the start. He says: (roughly) if you figure out that you have limited time on this planet ( we definetly do) and you are at the end of it, what you wish to contribute to others is the question to ask..what learning do you wish to share with those around you, to make their lives easier..
Randy Pausch, by the way, was a lecturer at the Carnegie Mellon University in the US before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 30 something and delivered his last lecture, as a tradition, in this amazing way....in a book...

Like Dinesh Bhaiya says, each moment is a gift and we have to make full use of it....