After a weird and nice weekend,I'm back at college, only to find out that there's a documentary festival occupying the whole weekend and that we have to make a documentary in two days! not to mention the environment assignment and covering dep exam next fri. Honestly, the exam seems more inviting than the festival or the tight deadlines.
Ever since I've come here, I've been hating it! But from my experience I ve pretty much hated and dreaded almost every experience, that I ultimately ended up learning so many practical things from. But then again, like I say every time, this is the worst of them all.
And looking at some people I know and don't, who get to be so close to the Guru, i feel pain, physical pain that my 'karma' doesn't allow it. Of course, I'm pretty thankful for all the knowledge that I've been able to access through my master. I just wish I could be a devotee par comparison, even in my own eyes. I wish I could be with the Master, but as we're told time again- why the physical presence when he's here with you. My answer to that is: it's easy for you to say when you're that fricking close to him and you're a super senior teacher and/or a rishi or a swami! Where are we? Show me one person who's super devoted and not physically close to him and I'll shut up and emulate. But I'm sick and tired of playing these worldly games, let me find me and I'll be happy to play. After all, you do need to know the game to play it!
PS This is coming from a clearly frustrated soul,
PPS what is that painful feeling that i get when i see people close to the master? why is it that i wanna revel in my solitude during those moments?

spurned love

It's funny when sometimes some weird longing from the past returns, though not as potent as before, cause you're familiar with it. And Karma too is such an irony.. Spurned love, spurns you... And though all this knowledge is there...that you're Niranjana...that nothing ever touches you, unless you delude yourself into thinking it does, even then it actually doesn't like a dream.. In some ways all the pain I've been through w.r.t spurned love has taught me that much. I have now come to a place where I can feel the pain and the longing, but it doesn't touch me, it can't. It's like I'm in this vacuum.
Having said that, what can I really long for from whoever that is? Psychological satisfaction of acceptance, emotional security? No. The love is there only when there is that longing and that longing colors every moment, every breath with the love. And the eyes, they're like windows to that infinity of longing and love..and pain, pain that be so ecstatic in its victorious moments and so searing in its losses. It's like a two-pronged spear. And love is everything else.

a burst of light

stumbling through the mazes and thickets
through the forests of fate, of illusion
running round and round in circles
sudden bursts of clarity, amid bursts of confusion

what a world, what a day, what a second
has not passed by under your watchful eye
under the endless sky
as your face over the blanket of stars,
the moon at your brow
the sun- your hair

what love fills me,
at your very thought
it sears me, the ecstacy
when you look at me
through the photograph, through the fabric of space and time

your grace fills my void

i stumble upon your light
in those endless forests of maya

and then your light illuminates the path
chases away those wisps of darkness
cuts away those sinuous, stealthy vines of my mind

as i'm born again unto you
i die..and i m renewed, never to be lost again
but to find myself in a new place, through each moment's grace
fresh as dew in the lotus pond

what it seems like.

i guess most people would know this, but 'the world is not what it seems' is such an understatement. There's so much we don't know, and we never will. But there is something that we must do, at least I believe that keeping my conscience free is important. But doing just that one thing, if one is brutally honest with oneself, could be the hardest thing to EVER do, depending on whether you see yourself as Gandhi or just a normal human being.

I mean there's nothing in this world, that one can trust, not even the mind, which is the WORST of them all. But it is just that voice of conscience if one is sensitive enough to lend an ear to that makes a difference i guess, it is the only way to peace.Even that can come only from self-awareness and when does one began to ask such questions of oneself? I guess that's what makes all the difference.

In this world full of deception and misery, it s all in the mind and the voice of conscience, untainted by the mind, is the only way...

That's where spirituality begins and that is an end in itself. the quenching of an eternal thirst... how do i know? well i m giving it a shot. it's worth that.

Dealing with hurt

Q: I know that something inside of me is hurting me. But I don't want to think about it. How can I resolve all this and be happy without thinking about it.

Sri Sri: You know when you feel hurt you feel very deep. That's why if you feel some thing deep you also feel a little hurt inside that. In Deep love there is hurt. It is an unavoidable mixture. Hmm. That hurt and that deep love when you transcend them, then you go beyond the duality and peace dawns. Permanent Peace. And only spiritual awakening can bring that permanent peace. Those who have been in the knowledge, on the path, for a long time, you know you don't feel sad at all. It doesn't touch. Some thing deep inside you becomes so strong so solid. So when you are in the knowledge then you feel nothing really is touching me. I have many people asking me "Guruji Why I don't feel upset over any thing now? " They wonder, " Is something wrong with me? I don't feel the pain, the pinch of suffering of any pain. Someone close to me died and I don't feel any thing. Something is wrong with me!" These sort of questions arise. Those glimpses in life come when you go past that hurt and love. But, first get out of this - "You hurt me. I hurt you. You did this wrong. I did this wrong. You didn't look at me. You didn't talk to me. You didn't treat me well etc. etc..." All these accusations you should just get out of it.

words...and deeds

Words...Guruji says are useless unless they become existence and so is love...just an emotion until it becomes existence.
But what is this existence?
Is existence the fact that so many people, events and circumstances happen and is life, the way you deal with them?
At all point in time, there is dystopia and the world always moves towards the brink of destruction, so are the events in our lives such that even movies are fashioned after such occurrences.
Was there ever a time when there was a perfect society?
Is there ever a time when a human being is free of his desires, his cravings, his emotions, his conflicts and his confusions...what is this 'perfection' that everyone always talks of moving towards?
Who am 'I'who is asking all these question, who am I that watches all these events, happy and sad pass by... Who am 'I' that watches something in me writhe in pain, boundless in its ecstasy, who am I that watches as regret and desire burn their way into my pure untainted soul...?

clouds

i saw the clouds up in the sky
through the window
through the window of my soul
they were tinged a pale grey
harbingers of the lush green rain
the rain that sustains life
the rain that sustains my love
and my love was tinged with that very grey
floating by
i wish it could be proud and fiery and strong
like the sun
but clouds are just clouds
they pass-by
come and go
they can't hide the sun
that still shines forth
my soul burns on
the wick at the holy shrine
that only lights more
never fades
never dies
it is
and perhaps that is what i m seeking
my love... oh! divine..

i wish i could be new

i wish i could be something new
something fresh, something pure
a prayer in the village church pew
the rainbow in the sky-azure

i wish i would be something new
not a wanderer in the mirage of the world
not a leaf that withers brown against the blue
nor an insignifanct character in the story untold

i wish i could be something new
the dance of the rain in the hills of yore
the smile of the godess,long-overdue
the bilss of my saint as he asks for nothing more

i wish i could be something new
the naked flame in the temple altar
the mighty thunder, for the storm a cue
the green grass that in the storm does not falter

i wish i could be new here and now
in your arms, Guruji for the eternity to come
in your love, and by your grace, in your servitude i bow

joy

Bubbling springs of the joyful river
sunlight through the snowy mountains -a sliver
joy wells up, hope grows, 'i' becomes a giver
the moment fulfills itself in a life full of rigour

Faces all aglow around
one touch and sorrow-no more bound
to life-like a sinuous vine,only the sound
of the springs of joy eternal found

by none other than the very heart
finds none in this creation apart
from itself,sends forth the dart
of its love, to play its part
in this world-play , a mighty start

dignity is only yours to uphold...no one can take it away frm unless u let them
and one more profound sentance that i heard today:
" You ll see that most people are nice..when you get close to them"
that's so much similar to what guruji says
that there's love in everybody's heart, you just need to look for it and give it to them , when it s buried far too deep
sounds easy
only when you are aware can you actually feel it and apply it
not while lost in the body, breath, mind, memory and ego.....
and that's what, closeness means...belongingness....closing the distance that ego forms between the various forms of this creation...
the test of knowledge...for me
that you are me and i am you and we are nothing....yet everything

gavin rossdale's song...so close to my heart

Half the time the world is ending
truth is i am done pretending
i ve never thought that i
had anymore to give
you re pushin me so far
here i am withou you
drink, to all that we have lost,
mistakes we have made
everything will change
but love remains the same

pondering..

It is said in Yoga Vasistha that the present moment is more powerful than the actions of the past, if we strive for it to be so... Strange when Guruji says that what happens in our lives is out of our hands and Vasistha says it is all a result of our Karma...Does Guruji mean that these life events are currently out of our hand but they are athe fruits of past life actions which of course we don't remember? or does he mean that events are a result of probability, but it is upto us what we do with them? Either way, being aware of the now and constantly engaging in it is the wisest thing to do..... in my experience...
Another wise thing I heard by Swami Nithyananda:
It cheered me up instantly:
He urged us to be like Kalabhairav who dances in exultant bliss even in the cremation ground, among all the dead bodies, the bones and skulls....meaning that despite our anger, lust, depression and every feeling, it is within our power to choose to rise above it and dance in joy, meaning to remain untouched by everything that happens around...and walk with strength and faith that we are strong within ourselves and the power to overcome any obstacle lies within us....Just like the blade of grass that dances in the storm...
Jai Guru Dev