Nowadays I seem to have nothing to want to write about. It has been two years and 2 months and 69 days since my kriya and i seem to be growing more and more still inside day by day, more and more a witness to my own life. Whatever I do, looking back there seems to be this silence and stillness deep inside that seems to be watching, waiting for nothing...simply watching..

Almost like a film, so many different thoughts and emotions, things that keep changing, and I m just there watching..like nothing affects me.. like nothing matters...absolutely nothing...
Sometimes i feels I ve been there stopping for death and coming back....going on and on..to no end though I don't remember where I went or what I did then/

And sometimes I wish there was a God up above who came down to Earth or visited or talked and told me why I am here, why he made this world, what is my role and why do I have to be born or die? Jus why do I have to be born, go to school, go to college, get a job,.....and so on...THat is my Dharma, so ok it can be done...But why?

Silence....So many words, so many people can say so many things, but unless I experience why, the question remains with me...Mainly because I m not interested...when I look forward or look back...I just am...right now...that's all...doing what my heart tells me to as much as I can..There;s nothing else to do... Just Seva , Sadhana and Satsang as much as I can...though it may take time to realize it s full potential..

sometimes there are things that happen beyond your comprehension...so many things to change, to do, to watch, to learn....where does it end? rather where is peace among all this chaos? why do certain things keep happening over and over again...? Whr are there so many assumptions? What if everyone just gave up living and doing what they did- eat and exist....jus work to eat...or was that how the world was built..in search of food..and better comfort..? when man disovered the so many things he can do in this world...and got curious for more...everything was meant to be then....nothing was in his control...nothing is and nothing will be... is enlightenment a chance too then? is there nothing such as choice? cause we do everything out of an impule...from the heart or mind...those two voices..

This body that goes through it s experiences of pleasure and pain...judges..hopes...craves...gives...takes...wants...feels...so many things...

why?

who?

is this question real?

is it a quagmire?

no it s just trust... trust and there is peace and calm... that life just goes on and no matter what..we embrace and live it.just the way we want to..without hurting or destroying..living and letting live...

Whenever i listen to stories of people sharing love, it moves me to tears.. And as Eckhart Tolle tells us that when we are aware of ourselves, reside in our being (by being aware of the body throughout the day- in whatever we are doing and feel the body through breath when thoughts come up; observing the feelings that arise and accepting them along with what IS now which is the only reality) and learn to handle the egoic mind with the power of now, love wells up in us for every being as we are all made up of the same energy that sustains the universe. True Love happens when the intensity of this universal love varies for a certain person who reflects this love of yours back.

And this love sustains only when we learn to get rid of the egoic mind which almost everyone runs their lives with (Read the power of now by Eckhar Tolle to know more. It is one of the only very few books which is making me implement what it lives for.... )

Dear god...

my twittering heart, my longing sigh
i wonder if i should just let it pass me by
it has struck me over and again
will this too prove to be in vain?

long hours of contemplation even
as as the hours pass by nineteen to the dozen
those thoughts keep flitting across
wonderin what is to come; why was it what it was?

that day shoulnt have happened
it's left my spirits dampened
in the anticipation of what is to come
in trying to find the fulcrum

that's it i m going down; on my knees
to surrender; please oh please
dear god, make this wish come true
i forever live in your thoughts; waiting for the right cue...

for you come and take me
in your arms, forever to be
yours and only yours, in your paradise
beholding infinity through these very eyes

I was shown a video recently...of a very senior AOL teacher,who shared something really profound. It was about training the mind.
He said the following three things

• We must always take a comitment to be happy.. Nothing muct be able to shake our happiness i.e we must never let our mind be unhappy. For that we must be in the NOW...Always in the NOW...This moment
  
• But how? is the next question. He puts it very simply. First, we must learn to accept whatever it is that is making us unhappy...This is how it is, so what!!
• And then comes the most important part..Taking action by asking HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF USEFUL NOW! THIS MOMENT WHAT ACTION CAN I TAKE?WHAT CAN I DO TO CONTRIBUTE
  

Of course, it will take time...Initially we just have to do this whenever we remember that we are unhappy and that we have to d something about it...And after a while, it becomes our second nature...


Lately..I also read something really beautiful: There is always a new hope...that something good might happen..We just have to keep ourselves open to surprises and also do what we really want to that we think will make a difference...

Paulo Coeho had written in his book , 'Like a flowing river' that each one of us contains the whole universe an the power to make a difference here within ourselves..We just have to know that...


And that gives me an instant sense of calm and peace...

Especially during meditation when those three amazing lines that Guruji has said comes into my mind:

I am nothing...I want nothing...I do nothing...That is where the peace lies, and the bliss and a glimpse of that infinity..Just a glimpse...Then I wonder how living in that bliss feels like...

What does matter in life?? Why are we here??... I wonder and I wonder...People, events, things seem to pass me by...like the flickering flames in a candle...Where is that flame coming from? And how can I feel the warmth in myself...Touch it, get lost in it and it burns...Stay away from it, watch it and there is the beauty...How do I become that warmth?? I wonder...

firecrackers again...

There were firecrackers again...Last night and that's when I felt that everybody in the world is looking for love..and trust and care...That through this we were all connected..I felt like a sales girls giving pamphlets at the beach (where there was a fire work display at the closing ceremony of the Chennai Sangamam which lent a whole different feel to the beach), but it just suddenly hit me, that I was doing something sacred giving people something they all deserve because they were born- a guru...This was one of the ways their guru- the unconditional love they were looking for was calling for them and that is the best gift anyone could give anyone else- to be an instrument for their Guru to find them.. an answer to their qustions, to thieir sorrows, their joy, their love, their life...

I figured out that that was what I was looking for too....but I always had it. I just needed to realize that... and slowly, I am.

Then, there is the Gita, I am reading the seventh Chapter now, and it is making it s presence felt in my life...Just a few pages a day..I have no idea in what way, but it lends a certain sacredness to everything, pulls you forward, makes you move on..

And then, I just want to break free, from anger, from inhibition, from the 'cant' attitude, from I can't live without, from frustration, from sorrow, from embarrassment.....And I just want to be one, with everything around me, after all, underneath, we all look for the same things...And we are one...however we may behave or seem to be...and a part of everything and everyone..

dawn again

A new year !!! :) and my advanced course at the ashram was amazing. There s no better way to spend the New Year than in silence even though that might be slightly hard. And I m glad I did it. Silence at the right time, gives one strength and a chance to dive deep inside and get to know oneself, a little better.There s whole world in there that needs time to grow the right way.

My resolution: To keep myself focused in the moment and embrace it
and to wake up early ( unsuccesful, so far) but i havent given up..it s my war with the bed and I mean to win it...

I m currently reading 'The Last Lecture' by Randy Pausch (if that's the spelling) and it s wowed me :) right from the start. He says: (roughly) if you figure out that you have limited time on this planet ( we definetly do) and you are at the end of it, what you wish to contribute to others is the question to ask..what learning do you wish to share with those around you, to make their lives easier..
Randy Pausch, by the way, was a lecturer at the Carnegie Mellon University in the US before he was diagnosed with terminal cancer at the age of 30 something and delivered his last lecture, as a tradition, in this amazing way....in a book...

Like Dinesh Bhaiya says, each moment is a gift and we have to make full use of it....